Gazing back at 2014 and renewing in 2015

With the start of 2015 I believe it is time to pause and look back at what 2014 held and what I have to look forward to in 2015.

2014 was a very hard year. There is no way around that and it cannot be sugar coated. As much it was hard, it was filled with God's presence.

I started off 2014 with major abdominal pain which led to two ER visits and ultimately my first hernia repair surgery.

At the same time as I was dealing with physical pain I was dealing with emotional pain that this broken world brings.

This was such a low point for me. I was physically ill and couldn't move much and I was broken in spirit. But God didn't leave me. He surrounded me with amazing friends who loved me, cried with me, cared for me. I saw God's hand in the mending of broken relationships and a restoration of health emotionally and physically.

The spring was filled with my final semester, graduation and then before I knew it I was on a plane to Kenya. The first time I had been back in 3 years. It was so exciting to be flying home. I didn't sleep a wink the whole way there because I couldn't wait to smell the air, see the familiar faces and hear the sounds of Kenya.

Our first three weeks in Kenya were constant joy and excitement. I met new people, hugged people I hadn't seen in many years, preached in new places, and spoke a language my tongue remembered well.

That third week brought a surprise that no one could have expected. I was in terrible pain once again. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and breathing became a hard task.

We made an emergency trip 8 hours into Nairobi where through a series of doctor and surgeon visits, I was told I needed emergency surgery. The first surgery had been so badly messed up that the mesh put in the first time was cutting into my intestines and had created an inch tear in my stomach as well as creating scar tissue.

4 days after my first doctor's visit I was admitted into the hospital and the next day I went into surgery. The surgery was supposed to last an hour and instead lasted nearly 5 hours. They removed a softball size amount of tissue and mesh and repaired the hernia.

After surgery, I sank into depression. I was devastated as I was told I wouldn't be able to travel back out to finish our time out in the bush. I didn't even get to say goodbye to those I loved. I left thinking I would be back and there I was stuck in Nairobi with nothing to do but wrestle with my thoughts and read until I didn't want to read anymore.
God was there though. He brought me a new friend Jen and a dear friend Sarah. Those two girls kept my spirit up through laughs and time of sharing our struggles. They made those three weeks bearable and I looked forward to each time I got to see them.

Our time in Kenya ended and I trekked across the United States to begin a residency with Mountain Christian Church. Since August 2014 I have been working with kids in an after school program along with other community impact projects.

Being so far away from home has not been easy and there have been many times of struggle but God has remained faithful and I have seen him work in my life and the lives of those in our community.

As I look ahead to 2015 I look forward to this being a year of renewal and growth as I continue to follow God's plan for my life!

Love,
Ang

The Fear of Silence

Recently, I have been reading through Jefferson Bethke's book Jesus Is Greater Than Religion and he poses the issue that for many the fear of silence is their biggest fear. As I mulled this thought over, I began to realize just how true this statement it.

I believe that we fear silence so  much because our culture never allows for a minute of it. We never have to be silent or sit in silence.

We wake up to alarm clocks... Noise.
We turn the T.V. on to watch the morning news...Noise.
We listen to the radio in the car...Noise.
We surround ourselves with people constantly...Noise.
We come home and turn the T.V. on again for the evening news...Noise.
We have sound machines to help us fall asleep at night...Noise.

We have noise surrounding us 24-7.

Have you ever noticed that any store you walk into has music playing over the intercom system? Its so there won't be silence. Silence is awkward and makes us uncomfortable. Honestly, would you walk into a silent store? Would you notice if a store was silent? For me, the answers are yes, I would feel uncomfortable and I would want to know what was going on.  We may not even realize we are afraid of silence because we never have to be silent.

Why? Why are we so afraid and uncomfortable with silence?

Because silence makes us think. Silence takes us deep within ourselves to a place we have become so good at masking with noise. This places holds the still small voice that if not quieted will exploit who we really are. This voice exploits our hurts, pains, regrets and failures. It speaks truth about who we really are and we just can't face that.

We have become afraid of our true selves. We fear our true selves because that would mean we have to face our brokenness and our defeats. We want to maintain our glossed over perfect appearances that we have become so good at creating. If we cover everything over with noise our true selves are out of sight out of mind. We don't have to work through the wounds, scars, and the devastation we have created. We think if we quiet our inner voices with noise we will never have to face our true self.

But that is a lie. Slowly, that voice gets louder and cracks in our glossy appearances start showing. Our inner voice gets to the point where we can no longer quiet it and suddenly our outer shell is completely torn off and we are left battered, bruised and picking up pieces.

If we just took 5 minutes a day in silence to listen to our inner voices and to listen to God speaking truth in our lives the fear of silence would diminish and we would learn how to embrace our messed up, beaten up true self. We would no longer need the glossed over image because our true selves would be healthier and we would be able to face ourselves and help others be able to do the same by example.

So turn off the radio in the car and sit in the silence with God and see what you hear and learn.

I am not an accident!

Sometimes it is so hard for me to fathom that I am not a mistake...

I am not an oops.
I am not an accident.

I am exactly who I am supposed to be.

Being adopted can make one feel as though they are an accident... an oops simply because our first parents didn't want us or couldn't take care of us.

This feeds into a lot of insecurities we continue to age and begin to ask the why questions.

Why... was I given up?

Why... did God let me be born if I was to be passed around?

Why? Why? Why?

But... I am not an accident. Just because my biological parents were inadequate parents DOES NOT mean that I am an inadequate person. God couldn't and wouldn't have made a mistake with my life.

I WAS CREATED FOR A PURPOSE!

As my dad daily reminds me: I am a child of God. Totally and completely made in His image. So what then is my purpose? What am I here to fulfill?

One purpose I know that I and the rest of human kind have is to love others.
To love to those who don't get the love they should.
To love those who it is hardest to love.
To love "the least of these."
To simply love.

My purpose is to serve God. To be Christ's extention to those I encounter. To shine love and peace and hope to the world that is falling apart in their own humanity and injustice that they have created but blame God for.

My purpose was created before my first cry on this earth.

I am not an accident.

I have a purpose. 

College Is Hard

Standing on the other side of college graduation has brought to light the last four years. The question gets asked, "Did you enjoy College?" The easy answer is yes, of course I did. But, that is only half true. I enjoyed learning, I loved making long lasting friendships and being mentored by the greatest minds in ministry today. However, I think anyone who has been to college will tell you that it is not a fairy tale. To put it bluntly, college is hard. Educationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically, college is hard. But ,I persevered. I fell many times and picked myself up. There were days that I was almost sure I couldn't go on. There were moments when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
 Educationally, my mind was being stretched in so many wonderful ways that there were times when I got burnt out. I had so much knowledge being crammed into my brain, it seemed is if I learned so much but still knew nothing. I studied along side of brilliant people who pushed me to try harder, to be better and to do everything (even school work) for the Lord. There were times when school seemed to get in the way of life. I was so blessed to be involved in so many different organizations and activities on campus that sometimes school was the last thing I wanted to think about. It was hard to balance both school and life. It seemed like I was forever in the mode of trying to catch up. I never could seem to get ahead. I learned time management is key... the hard way.

Spiritually, many of my professors taught me new ideas and stretched me to think for myself. I fought with the Lord daily. College is a season of growth and I was reluctant to do so.  I was trying to figure out where my own personal faith was and why I believed what I did. Which was hard. That spiritual battle alone was exhausting but I would not trade a moment of it. It did bring another level to the hard factor of college but being able to grow spiritually under the careful watch of spiritual leaders is a time in my life I will be forever grateful for.

Emotionally, I found myself struggling to find self worth. It seems as I got in the thick of college life, I had somewhere along the way dropped my self worth. I began to despise myself and find that I had become uncomfortable living in my own skin. I had to find my way back into not being ashamed to be myself despite my looks or my strange quirks. I left college finally feeling okay with who I am and the hardships of that time proved to be worth the outcome. Emotionally, I also struggled with a broken heart on many occasions. Broken because of failed relationships, broken because of broken trust, broken because of death, broken because of personal failure, and broken because loneliness. Being broken meant seasons of depression, anger, sadness and pain. But, I wouldn't go back and change those times. I wouldn't have grown had I not gone through all the pain. I wouldn't have changed had I not found myself sobbing on the floor countless times. It was hard being broken. Through each of the times I found my heart broken, God miraculously reached into my heart and healed me. Sometimes, the healing was quick, while other times I thought my heart would never be healed. I praise God for the mentors he placed in my life seemingly without me noticing until the perfect moment.

Physically, it seemed every semester I made a trip to the hospital and sometimes it was more than once. It was hard being sick so often. It seemed like no matter what I did to avoid being sick or physically injuring myself, I still found myself sick. A few times I was life threateningly sick but God placed the perfect people in my life at the perfect moment to make sure I got the care I needed. It was humbling being so sick that my roommates had to help me shower, dress, eat and use the rest room. It was hard being so sick that all I could do was lie on my back. It was hard being in so much pain to the point of being paralyzed and screaming for help. It is humbling having to ask for help for things that small children have mastered. I am thankful for those who took care of me and not once complained about it. Having to physically rely on others taught me how grateful I am for them and just how I am not invincible, no, I am human.

College was hard. There were days when I wanted to drive off campus and never look back but each hardship taught me just how much I cannot do it on my own. I would like to be able to say that I don't still hurt from the hardships from the past four years but that would be a lie. The scars left by the brokenness and hardships still sting. There are days when I find myself dwelling in the pain because I am human. We seem to dwell in the pain more than we dwell in the lessons learned. So no, I am not totally healed from everything. I still hurt. Yes, I enjoyed college. At the time, I hated the hardships but I am learning to be thankful for them. I will never be able to say that I enjoyed them, but I am thankful for them.  I am thankful that God never left me and even when it got hard, he never left. Not once.

Joy Abundant

How easy it is to let someone steal your joy? We have wrapped our identity so tightly around others that when they let us down and disappoint us, our joy and happiness dissolve. The evil one has a way of using even the smallest of disappointments to take our joy from within our spirit and crush us with it.
As children of God, we should cling to the Scripture, which says, “there is no condemnation for through who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). We should not let the circumstances of any person define who we are or the feelings that we have. Instead of letting Satan manipulate our feelings, we should accept Christ’s Lordship over our feelings. We shouldn’t wrap our feelings around the actions of others because no matter how much we love and care for them, they will cause hurt.
By knowing this, we must choose to accept that we need to hide our hearts in the safe arms of Christ. We must refuse to let our identity and dignity be hijacked by others. We must accept that God’s love in our heart is purer and greater than any other love and he will never disappoint us. We must not let the evil one steal any opportunity for us to learn about Christ’s love. But this does not mean we will never be hurt again. We must embrace the pain and ask God to minster to us in the darkest places.
As the song says, “Because what if God’s blessings come through raindrops and what if his healing comes through tears? What if the trials and pain of this life are his mercies in disguise?”
The power of the cross and the resurrection is greater than any thoughts or negative inner voices. We must pray against the darkness that tries to overcome us, but welcome in the light of Christ as it penetrates our hurting and broken hearts and let that light comfort and heal us. We must be willing to wrestle with God as long as it takes until he gives us the peace he has promised because we know we cannot do it on our own. Let us be willing to admit our weaknesses and submit them to God and trust him to turn it into strength. Through the power of Christ, our identity is secure, our hearts protected and our joy will be abundant.

Happy New Year!!!!

Happiest of New Year to you!!!

I pray that God will bless you all as you continue to serve him!

It has been quite a while since I have last written and thought I would take sometime to catch everyone up on recent happenings!

The last time I wrote, I was ending my internship in Thailand. The last week was filled with some tourist things and last minute shopping. I was so blessed by my time in Thailand and how much God taught me. I miss my friends in Thailand and I ask that you continue to pray for the orphanages we worked with and that Christ will continue to be the center of all they do.

I had a week between my Thailand trip and the beginning of my senior year!!! That week was great as I got to spend time with friends and family in Springfield. I was also excited to get back to Milligan and see all my friends there. The fall semester seemed to fly by and I was so blessed to be able to room with three of my best friends! God knew what he was doing as we became even closer than before and we really drew on each other for encouragement and strength during some very hard times this semester.

 The Ladies of Room 103!

 The end of the semester proved to be a challenge as finals week kept me up for 48 hours straight but God helped me get through. It is crazy for me to think I only have one more semester left in my college career! I praise God I have made it this for and I am excited to see what lies ahead after I finish at Milligan.

Lastly, I started the new year off with a bang.... more like in pain! New year's day I began having severe upper abdominal pain and went straight to the emergency room where I spent most of the day. They determined that I have gastritis which is a precursor to stomach ulcers. The doctor determined that it still could be gall bladder issues but at this point nothing is showing up in the tests. I have been at home resting, eating a bland diet and taking some high dose pain medicine to try and stop the pain. I am praying the rest of the year will be a healthy and safe one!!!

May God continue to bless you and thank you for being faithful in reading these posts!!!

Ang

The Orange Grove Kids

Have you ever loved someone so much you would do anything to take their pain away?

I thought I could answer this answer, until I met the children in Northern Thailand.

The answer is yes.

I love them enough that every fiber in my body screams to take away their suffering.

These beautiful children were born in the most memorizing land I have ever seen. The land is cover with emerald and mountains that reach heaven.

But the land is deceiving. The land covered in a sea of orange groves, tea plantations, fruit orchards and hundreds of fields filled with rice.

Someone has to tend to these crops and who better than those who are desperate for any job they can possibly get. Those who are regarded as the lowest of the low. Those people are the hill tribe people and those who have come across the border from Burma.

Those in need of these jobs are willing to work for a minimal amount of pay. Meaning for one day's work (7am until 5 pm) they get paid less than $3.

$3 to feed their family.

$3 to clothe their children.

$3 to get medical help when needed.

$3 to live off of.

Due to the lack of income, families are forced to live in places that make shacks look like mansions. Whole families sleep on a mat on the floor with out much protection from wind and rain.

Chemicals used for the plants fill the air with an unhealthy pungency. Toxic chemicals lay around for curious hands to find.

The mere shock of this situation is enough to send someone running out without looking back.

The children of the orange grove workers are left to take care of themselves during working hours.

So from 7am to 5pm children from the ages of 1 to 10 are left to find food for themselves, to take care of the younger ones.

They are trying to survive.

The $3 that their parents make, is not enough to send them to school to get an education. School has fees, uniforms and shoes have to be bought and school supplies are a constant cost.

These children don't smile, they don't laugh. Their eyes scream hunger and their bodies tell of hardships no human should have to go through.

These children don't know what being a kid is because they have to be adults at a young age.

As we began to interact with these kids and show them how to be kids, their eyes began to light up. It was as if they began to understand that it is okay to be a kid. As we brought out colored pencils and paper their imagination was being stretched as they drew their families, the orange groves and what they imagined the rest of the world looked like.

My heart soared when I saw one child smile as he saw himself in the picture I had just taken of him. They began to squeal with joy as we played soccer with them and let them enjoy childhood even for a moment.

So the answer to my question is still yes.

I do love these children enough to hurt daily because of the pain and struggles they face.

I do love these children enough to want to help in anyway I can to take away their pain.

My question for you remains, who do you love enough that you would do anything to take their pain away?