Thoughts of leaving and dreadful goodbyes

As I sit and look at the blank page I must admit it is a little intimidating. I has been a while since I have dusted off the old blog and written a post. There are days when it comes easy and thoughts just flow but I must admit today is not one of those days.

This past month has been quite a roller coaster of amazing highs and painful lows. It has been a month of transitions and growth. I have learned so much and I have grown and stretched in ways I didn’t know I needed to grow and stretch in.

The beginning of August was hectic as I was packing up and getting ready to leave for Mexico on a 10 day missions trip. The first week of August was a lot of trying to balance my time, figuring out how to get everything done, and hoping I didn’t forget to pack my toothbrush! Ha!

Once I was on the plane to Mexico it was the first time I felt like I could take a breath in weeks. I slept most of the way from Baltimore to Mexico. I was wiped and it didn’t catch up with me until I was strapped in listening to the flight attendants explain the emergency procedures. It is so crazy how your body can keep going despite exhaustion but somewhere there is an invisible line that once crossed your body shuts down. I needed those two flights to catch up on sleep and prepare myself for the next 10 days.

Mexico was such an incredible experience in so many ways. Even in the day in day out of painting walls, building tables, and laying carpet I could feel God working through our team and through me personally. But it was in the interaction and relationship building with the students at El Pozo that I really glimpsed what living your life as ministry is like. The missionaries don’t “do” ministry, they live it. It is imbedded in the threads of their life, thoughts, and in the community they create. They don’t wait until people come to them, they go out into their communities and they invest, they build relationships and their lives radiate Christ’s love. It was amazing to see and so encouraging and compelling for me. It renewed within me a desire to live a life on ministry no matter where I am or what I am doing.

God also richly blessed me with new friendships while I was in Mexico. I was surrounded by laughter, deep conversations and my cup was overflowing! One day while we were in Puebla I wrote in my journal, “I am thoroughly enjoying today. Being surrounded by God’s sons and daughters who love others so deeply and share from their hearts is filling my cup to overflowing.”

Mexico was the renewal and rejuvenation my soul had been longing for a long time. I was both excited to head home and share with everyone all that I had experienced and I was also sad to be leaving my new friends knowing I had less than a month until I had to say goodbye to my Maryland home.

Those who know me well know saying goodbye scares me. It is never been something I have been good at doing and it cuts me to my core. I love making friends and building relationships but when I have to say goodbye to those I have become attached to… I shut down. As a missionary kid goodbyes are something I have had to do the majority of my life. Although I have done it over and over and over again, it has never gotten easier and in some ways I think that it has gotten harder.

The last two weeks in Maryland set my soul on edge. There was an ever lingering cloud of dread hanging over my head and I knew the goodbyes were daily getting closer to becoming a reality. The goodbyes slowly started happening. One by one the hugs were given, prayers were said and with each one my heart felt heavier and heavier. They got more and more impossible to do because I started saying goodbye to those I love the most and have become part of their family.

Yesterday morning it all came to a head when at 7 am I drove out of the driveway, blowing kisses, tears streaming down my face as I said goodbye to my most precious host family. I felt a profound sense of loss.

I know goodbyes aren’t forever but without knowing when I will see my precious Maryland family again… it feels like forever.

God is already opening doors as I walk along this new path he has laid before me and as hard as it is to say goodbye I know without a shadow of a doubt I am following God’s call. And that is more comforting than a million hugs.