Why I chopped all my hair off!

So, it all started about four years ago.

My good friend had just chopped her hair off and not only did I like how it looked on her, I was so tempted to try it myself. It seems so liberating.

But alas, I chickened out. I was afraid of what others would think and say if I were to cut all my hair off. So instead, I did everything else but cut it all off. I dyed it every color imaginable, I tried out an array of haircuts and finally I just gave up and let it grow.

For most of my life, my hair has been a defining feature of mine. My hair is incredibly thick and growing up it was always long. I was told over and over how beautiful my hair was, that I should never cut it and that I must be able to do so much with it.

My hair defined me in a lot of ways. I felt like I had to keep it a certain way to please others. For a long time, I have had a fear of disappointing people and I am constantly wondering what others think of me or if they approve of me and my choices. These fears extend far past my hair cut, but it was one of the many things I kept a certain way to please others.

Another example is that I have recently been learning a lot about myself and not only who I am but what I like. I recently discovered that for most of my life, I have loved motorcycles. I grew up riding on the back of my dad’s motorbike and I have loved them since that time. I guess I was supposed to grow out of that love of motorcycles but secretly deep down I have been holding onto that love. It wasn’t until last week when I took a motorbike course and got to ride some amazing bikes that I let go and let myself have an amazing time. Despite other people telling me not to, or that I shouldn’t want to, I did it anyway and let me tell you, it was a huge highlight for me. It transported me back to the days when I would ride on Daddy’s motorbike and felt such a freedom and in those moments, I always felt super close to my dad as we would bond over riding. I let go of the fear that people wouldn’t approve of my love of motorcycles.

I also love being super adventurous and trying new things! For example, I recently started training for a powerlifting competition. Many people think I’m nuts for trying to do it. During the time, I was deciding if I should pursue it or not, many people told me I was crazy, I wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t do well and I’m so glad I didn’t listen to them. I listened to the voice in my own head telling me I am strong enough, I am not crazy but rather I am driven towards a goal of being strong and healthy!

So then came the matter of my hair. My dear friend Laura is a beautiful woman who rocks a short haircut. Every time I see her, I think man I love her hair. However, each time a teeny tiny voice of fear would creep in telling me I would let everyone down and that no one would like it. For about a month, this fear dictated my heart.

One night I was lying in bed looking through Pinterest when I typed in, “women’s short hair” into the search bar. I instantly began falling in love with short hair all over again. I pinned like 8 different short hair styles that I thought I might like. I kept looking them over and over until I narrowed it down to two that I really liked. I sent it to my friend Laura and a couple of other people I am really close to. I must admit, not everyone was on board. But those that were, spoke truth into my heart.

IT IS JUST HAIR. I had to tell myself that over and over. I literally repeated that to myself the entire way to the salon. IT WILL GROW BACK.

Despite my fear and nervousness, I went through with it. From the moment, she cut off my ponytail, I  nervously began to love it.

It no longer mattered what other people thought of me, or if they were going to approve of my choice. It was about me. My freedom from only making decisions because others “approved” or not. This was my choice. I did it because I wanted to. I did it because it has been something that for a long time I have wanted to do but was too scared to do it.

So, I faced my fear and let me tell you the outpouring of love for my new haircut has been amazing!

Don’t let the fear of what others might say stop you from doing something. If you want to cut all your hair off, DO IT. If you want to travel the world, DO IT. People like to shine their negativity and insecurities on others. Don’t listen to it.

Love yourself for who you are. If you are a girl and love motorcycles, OWN IT! Rock it! If you are a guy who loves to cook, don’t be ashamed to share it with the world! You don't have to live in a box others try and create for you. 

My mom recently told me that I am my own person. That I am exotic and that can intimidate others. I don’t fit in a box and I certainly don’t color in the lines. I need to learn to live in that security that I can be who I am without shame and without constantly looking to others for their approval.

Be who you are. Love yourself for your quirks, for the things you love and don’t be afraid to take a leap and do something crazy like cutting all your hair off!

My dad always says to me, “Tadamu ira ng’ae” which means "remember who you are" in Maasai.

Who you are is not defined by your hair, your clothing choice, your likes or dislikes. Who you are is so much more than that.

This is a lesson I think everyone needs to learn because not everyone is always going to love the decisions we make and we have to be able to step beyond that and be okay with not being able to please everyone.

Be brave! Try new things! Let go of your fears!

BE YOU!

Every Night in the City

A rustle in the ally is muffled by the loud music spilling from the bar into the surrounding streets.

A dumpster lid bangs open as little fingers reaching in hoping for the smallest crumb.

A passing light from a car shines briefly across her, revealing an innocent little girl. Her body and clothes matted and caked from months wandering the streets. Her engorged stomach a harbinger of dangerous hunger that threatens to consume her. Left to her own inner motivation, she must find strength to keep living.

Bass pumping, shaking her core as she hears laughter and shouts of enjoyment from within the bar just steps away.

Silently, she pulls out a black, gut wrenching odorous bag. A bag filled with half eaten meals and long forgotten rotting food. Her stomach no longer churns at the smell or the thought of consuming what resembles food. It now has become a welcoming comfort.

She brings a stale piece of bread smothered in mold resembling cheese to her lips. The present kairos guides her to quickly consuming every last crumb. Reduced to that of a dog unsure of where her next meal will come, she digs into a feast meant for the rats.

Quietly, she finishes. Standing, she disappears down the ally to her only solitude and safety. A piece of cardboard tucked between two dumpsters is the only thing in this world she can call her own.

Laying down, she curls herself up tight to keep herself warm. Her curved back resembling a bight as she wipes away a single tear. Her heart wishing someone would want her. She prays once more for a miracle she is no longer sure she believes in.

Becoming more sedated, she looks up at the patch of night sky through the buildings and for a fading moment, she is filled with hope. Hope that she isn't alone.

Be Love, Take Love, Spread Love.

If you are like me, you try to avoid watching the news as much as possible. I simply cannot stand all the negativity. I have been told that I am naïve for not watching the news and keeping up with what is happening in our world. Honestly, I am okay with that. I know our world is full of bad people doing bad things but it doesn’t mean that I have to saturate my mind and spirit with it all. I cannot bare to listen to the gossip, speculation, debates, and arguments that comes along with an hour of televised news. It is just exhausting.

I think we focus too much on trying to butt our opinions and views into an already messy situation that we make it more messy and complicated. Despite your political views, religious views or strong opinions, we are hurting our world more by trying to fix everybody else, make them see how it should be, and sticking our noses in where they don’t belong.

There is a saying that “Love Wins”. Well friends, I certainly am not seeing that in our world today. We are letting hate win, violence win, anger win, and bitterness win. One of the biggest ways I believe that we are doing this is by letting it be broadcasted by every news source possible. We are letting the bad guys win by giving them the attention they want. I rarely see good news, where love, acceptance, humility and compassion win. We have been conditioned to accept the bad news, to need to hear the bad news and to wallow in the bad news.

I know that “love wins” on a large scale may not happen as we would all wish for it to happen but I know that even on the smallest of scales, love can win in our own personal lives.

So I choose love. I choose to love those who are different than me. I choose to stop arguing about politics. I choose to stop trying to “fix” people to be just like me and love them for who they are. I choose love over hate.

I recently bought a shirt from a company a friend of mine runs and it reads, “Inhale Love. Exhale Fear.” We have become afraid to love others. We are afraid of hurt, afraid of change and afraid of being seen loving someone different than us. That my friends is sad. It is so sad that we have let fear and hate creep into our lives so strongly that we cannot simply see that others need love just as much as we do. We need to choose to step through the fear and reach out in love.

Look out across your neighborhoods, towns, churches and schools and you will easily see how desperate people are for someone simply to say, “I love you for you.” No qualifications, no ifs, just love.  Love is a verb. We have to be love, take love and spread love. Love is baking cookies and taking them to your neighbors. Love is a listening ear when someone needs it. Love is a smile. Love is stepping out of our comfort zones to befriend someone who may not look like us or act like us.

I know that I am not perfect at loving others but I am so tired of waking up every day in a world filled with so much hate. If I can even for a moment shine a little love into someone’s life who needs it, then at least I know I am doing my part to not let hate win.

Love is hard but it is so worth it when it stops hate, fear, rejection, lies and the list goes on and on. I don’t know about you, but I chose to stand in love and do the best I can to show love to all people. We are all human. We all have blood running through our veins and that should be reason enough to love each other.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”- Mother Teresa

Inhale Love. Exhale Fear.

A Grandfather's Legacy

      Today, I touched the only reminder I have of you. A grave marker which reads: Thornton C. Highfield. Alabama. SSMB2. USNR. World War II. Your body remains just out of reach but your soul has been lost to me. You have never known of the deep ache in my soul to put my hand in yours. To feel the calluses from years of hard work. You will never see the tears forming in the crevices of my eyes as I wonder what your stories of a distant war and of country mountain would be. You have never known the smiles of those who would have called you grandpa. You have never felt the love your children have for their families and their God. A love you sowed in their lives. I long to know what crawling up into your lap would have been like. To feel even for a moment the warmth your strong arms would have brought around me as a child. To know the safety of a grandfather’s arms. 50 years. 50 years you have been gone from this earth. A lifetime without a father, husband, and grandfather. So long have I craved to hear you laugh and see the twinkle of joy in your eyes. How many times has my spirit dreamt of the pride you would have in the amazing accomplishments of your children and grandchildren. Each of us carries your love as a legacy that despite your imperfections and human nature, you chose to love. So much of my heart is bound in deep love for you and yet my eyes have never see more than a picture of you. What a special man you were. A man of whom I am proud to call my grandfather and thankful for all his lessons I am learning through my father. I simply end with this, Grandpa from now until the day we finally meet, your love will I carry in my heart.

I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves!

Many times I get asked, "what do you do in Thailand?"  And many assume I am some form of digital nomad, tourist or some sort of journalist. When I tell them I work with orphans, children with HIV and children at risk, they almost don't believe me.

It's as if they don't want to believe that our world is capable of such terrible malfeasance. It's hard for people to swallow that nestled in the northern hills of Thailand women and children are bought and sold like livestock. That children as young as 10 months old are being raped over and over and babies are found in garbage cans.

I AM FIGHTING A WAR.

I am fighting so children around the world can have the fundamental rights that every human deserves.

I am fighting so 8 year old children do not have to be the sole caretaker for their mothers dying of HIV.

I am fighting for innocent children who are literally tossed away because they are a byproduct of someone's twisted reality.

I fight to protect children so every moment of every day they know they are loved beyond measure and will forever be safe.

I fight because there are sick people in this world that view precious lives as commodities; as a means to a sick and distorted end!

I CANNOT FIGHT THIS WAR ALONE!

One solider cannot single handedly win the war!!!
We need an army to rise up united! To stand together as we infiltrate the darkness and evil seeping into our world!

NO LONGER can we stand by as children cry out in fear without any protection!

NO LONGER can we allow self entitled men to exploit tender young women and children simply for bragging rights and ego boosters!

Will you take up the fight?

Will you do your part to ensure precious lives are protected, or will you stand by and watch as whole generations are being annihilated because no one would fight for them.

I will not stop fighting everyday and even though I get weary and worn, my mission is clear!

I Fight for those who cannot fight for themselves!

The Fog

Sure footed I step out on the wilderness path. The tall grass sways in shades of emerald green while the trees shade me from the bright sun. My hair blows in whisps around my face as I stand on the edge of the forest.

Deeper I travel into the forest inspired by its beauty and compelled by a longing for adventure.
The sun almost hidden by the intertwining leaves and branches of the canopy above. The deeper I go, the darker it becomes. I turn looking around as I realize the birds have become silent and life has become still.

A chill starting from my spine fills my body as the darkness engulfs me. Somehow the darkness leaves my eyes open to a swirling fog entangling my feet. It is as if the darkness wants me to witness the upheaval I am helpless to resist. Unaware of a violent disturbance that awaits me, movement has become impossible. The darkness has ensnared me.

The fog dances above my knees whispering offenses those closest have caused against me as if to suggest repayment will save me.

Deep emotions fight in dissenting opinions within my darkest soul. "HATE THEM!" "Forgive them!" "HURT THEM!" Love them"

The fog has climbed around my waist and surrounds the forest. Emotions exploding dark colors within my soul that as they reach my eyes they flow down my face clear. The color of emptiness.

My heart utters forgiveness as my head screams revenge.

The fog touches my neck with its long spindly fingers. Again darkness whispers my name. Choking me with lies of freedom if I choice its path.

My heart racing as my choices are revealed. To chose to be fully engulfed by the fog and be driven to revenge, hatred and darkness. or to chose a magnanimous gesture of forgiveness.

The battle continues to rage between my mind and my heart. My head claiming revenge is a reward of enslavement as my heart cries out for the freedom of forgiveness. The endless tug-of-war persistent.

The fog gently touches my lips trying to force my answer. Barely audible a voice from within breathes, "forgiveness".

Darkness screams with piercing range for it knows it has lost.

A soft warm light has found its way through the tangle of the leaves spreading its rays over my face. The fog suddenly retreats as the sun touches my shoulders and neck. The fog's grip is released as it chases after darkness retreating.

The light wraps around me in its embrace expelling all remaining chill from my body and gently guides me out from within the belly of the forest.

On the edge of the forest I see another wanderer becoming lost by all that glitters; knowing all too well what lies ahead.

Little Bird

Little bird why are you caged?

What coercion keeps you from spreading your wings?

The bars that hold you are mere twigs you have been taught to think are steel.

Who has taught you such lies?

The fortitude you seek lies just beyond the mountains.

Little bird your song is your catalyst for freedom.

One swift moment and you will be free from your prison.

Little bird you are hurting yet you refuse empathetic looks.

Your head held high awaiting the moment you feel the wind beneath your wings.

An indignant thought has never crossed your mind.

Little bird teach me your hope song so I too may escape my shackles.

Little bird teach me to fly.