Standing on the other side of college graduation has brought to light the last four years. The question gets asked, "Did you enjoy College?" The easy answer is yes, of course I did. But, that is only half true. I enjoyed learning, I loved making long lasting friendships and being mentored by the greatest minds in ministry today. However, I think anyone who has been to college will tell you that it is not a fairy tale. To put it bluntly, college is hard. Educationally, emotionally, spiritually and physically, college is hard. But ,I persevered. I fell many times and picked myself up. There were days that I was almost sure I couldn't go on. There were moments when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Educationally, my mind was being stretched in so many wonderful ways that there were times when I got burnt out. I had so much knowledge being crammed into my brain, it seemed is if I learned so much but still knew nothing. I studied along side of brilliant people who pushed me to try harder, to be better and to do everything (even school work) for the Lord. There were times when school seemed to get in the way of life. I was so blessed to be involved in so many different organizations and activities on campus that sometimes school was the last thing I wanted to think about. It was hard to balance both school and life. It seemed like I was forever in the mode of trying to catch up. I never could seem to get ahead. I learned time management is key... the hard way.
Spiritually, many of my professors taught me new ideas and stretched me to think for myself. I fought with the Lord daily. College is a season of growth and I was reluctant to do so. I was trying to figure out where my own personal faith was and why I believed what I did. Which was hard. That spiritual battle alone was exhausting but I would not trade a moment of it. It did bring another level to the hard factor of college but being able to grow spiritually under the careful watch of spiritual leaders is a time in my life I will be forever grateful for.
Emotionally, I found myself struggling to find self worth. It seems as I got in the thick of college life, I had somewhere along the way dropped my self worth. I began to despise myself and find that I had become uncomfortable living in my own skin. I had to find my way back into not being ashamed to be myself despite my looks or my strange quirks. I left college finally feeling okay with who I am and the hardships of that time proved to be worth the outcome. Emotionally, I also struggled with a broken heart on many occasions. Broken because of failed relationships, broken because of broken trust, broken because of death, broken because of personal failure, and broken because loneliness. Being broken meant seasons of depression, anger, sadness and pain. But, I wouldn't go back and change those times. I wouldn't have grown had I not gone through all the pain. I wouldn't have changed had I not found myself sobbing on the floor countless times. It was hard being broken. Through each of the times I found my heart broken, God miraculously reached into my heart and healed me. Sometimes, the healing was quick, while other times I thought my heart would never be healed. I praise God for the mentors he placed in my life seemingly without me noticing until the perfect moment.
Physically, it seemed every semester I made a trip to the hospital and sometimes it was more than once. It was hard being sick so often. It seemed like no matter what I did to avoid being sick or physically injuring myself, I still found myself sick. A few times I was life threateningly sick but God placed the perfect people in my life at the perfect moment to make sure I got the care I needed. It was humbling being so sick that my roommates had to help me shower, dress, eat and use the rest room. It was hard being so sick that all I could do was lie on my back. It was hard being in so much pain to the point of being paralyzed and screaming for help. It is humbling having to ask for help for things that small children have mastered. I am thankful for those who took care of me and not once complained about it. Having to physically rely on others taught me how grateful I am for them and just how I am not invincible, no, I am human.
College was hard. There were days when I wanted to drive off campus and never look back but each hardship taught me just how much I cannot do it on my own. I would like to be able to say that I don't still hurt from the hardships from the past four years but that would be a lie. The scars left by the brokenness and hardships still sting. There are days when I find myself dwelling in the pain because I am human. We seem to dwell in the pain more than we dwell in the lessons learned. So no, I am not totally healed from everything. I still hurt. Yes, I enjoyed college. At the time, I hated the hardships but I am learning to be thankful for them. I will never be able to say that I enjoyed them, but I am thankful for them. I am thankful that God never left me and even when it got hard, he never left. Not once.
