Sure footed I step out on the wilderness path. The tall grass sways in shades of emerald green while the trees shade me from the bright sun. My hair blows in whisps around my face as I stand on the edge of the forest.
Deeper I travel into the forest inspired by its beauty and compelled by a longing for adventure.
The sun almost hidden by the intertwining leaves and branches of the canopy above. The deeper I go, the darker it becomes. I turn looking around as I realize the birds have become silent and life has become still.
A chill starting from my spine fills my body as the darkness engulfs me. Somehow the darkness leaves my eyes open to a swirling fog entangling my feet. It is as if the darkness wants me to witness the upheaval I am helpless to resist. Unaware of a violent disturbance that awaits me, movement has become impossible. The darkness has ensnared me.
The fog dances above my knees whispering offenses those closest have caused against me as if to suggest repayment will save me.
Deep emotions fight in dissenting opinions within my darkest soul. "HATE THEM!" "Forgive them!" "HURT THEM!" Love them"
The fog has climbed around my waist and surrounds the forest. Emotions exploding dark colors within my soul that as they reach my eyes they flow down my face clear. The color of emptiness.
My heart utters forgiveness as my head screams revenge.
The fog touches my neck with its long spindly fingers. Again darkness whispers my name. Choking me with lies of freedom if I choice its path.
My heart racing as my choices are revealed. To chose to be fully engulfed by the fog and be driven to revenge, hatred and darkness. or to chose a magnanimous gesture of forgiveness.
The battle continues to rage between my mind and my heart. My head claiming revenge is a reward of enslavement as my heart cries out for the freedom of forgiveness. The endless tug-of-war persistent.
The fog gently touches my lips trying to force my answer. Barely audible a voice from within breathes, "forgiveness".
Darkness screams with piercing range for it knows it has lost.
A soft warm light has found its way through the tangle of the leaves spreading its rays over my face. The fog suddenly retreats as the sun touches my shoulders and neck. The fog's grip is released as it chases after darkness retreating.
The light wraps around me in its embrace expelling all remaining chill from my body and gently guides me out from within the belly of the forest.
On the edge of the forest I see another wanderer becoming lost by all that glitters; knowing all too well what lies ahead.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Saturday, June 25, 2016
Little Bird
Little bird why are you caged?
What coercion keeps you from spreading your wings?
The bars that hold you are mere twigs you have been taught to think are steel.
Who has taught you such lies?
The fortitude you seek lies just beyond the mountains.
Little bird your song is your catalyst for freedom.
One swift moment and you will be free from your prison.
Little bird you are hurting yet you refuse empathetic looks.
Your head held high awaiting the moment you feel the wind beneath your wings.
An indignant thought has never crossed your mind.
Little bird teach me your hope song so I too may escape my shackles.
Little bird teach me to fly.
What coercion keeps you from spreading your wings?
The bars that hold you are mere twigs you have been taught to think are steel.
Who has taught you such lies?
The fortitude you seek lies just beyond the mountains.
Little bird your song is your catalyst for freedom.
One swift moment and you will be free from your prison.
Little bird you are hurting yet you refuse empathetic looks.
Your head held high awaiting the moment you feel the wind beneath your wings.
An indignant thought has never crossed your mind.
Little bird teach me your hope song so I too may escape my shackles.
Little bird teach me to fly.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
The true weight of weightloss
As many of you have been following my weight loss journey this last year, I wanted to write the gut honest truth about my journey. I write this not only for the sake of my readers to gain access into what these last 15 months have been like, but also for myself. To be honest with myself and to gain a better understanding of my own journey. A lot of what I will write in this entry, I am just now processing for the first time.
Let me start at the very beginning of my journey. During the summer of 2014 I was admitted into the hospital for emergency abdominal surgery. This however was not my first surgery but in fact my second in six months. My first surgery had been messed up so badly that it created more issues causing me to have to undergo another 4 hour long procedure in Kenya, Africa. After my second surgery, I remember my doctor coming into my room and telling me that I really needed to lose weight. At this point I was nearing 300 pounds and I did not realize the weight (no pun intended) of my situation. It is hard when someone tells you that you need to lose weight but I managed to convince myself I wasn't as overweight as he claimed. So, I brushed it off. After being released from the hospital, my dad and I had a conversation about me losing weight and I remember telling my dad, "I have no motivation to get healthy." And well... I didn't. Going to the gym was daunting, eating healthy seemed nearly impossible and well I just didn't have the time.... or so I told myself.
Fast forward a few months and now I was living in Maryland, working two jobs and gaining weight rapidly due to my fast food and soda addictions. I felt terrible. I was out of breath just looking at a flight of stairs, my weight on my joints was taking its toll and I wanted to know why my insides felt so terrible. After getting tested by a GI doctor, I was told I had IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). A nice way of saying, he didn't fully know what I had and he didn't really feel like doing anymore testing. I felt a little defeated. I turned to my small group and asked for prayers that I would find relief from my intestinal issues. I remember my small group leader looking at me and saying, "Angela, you know I'm a nutritionist right?" An immediate answer to prayer sitting two chairs down from me. However this was just the easy part!
Holly (my small group leader) asked me to journal what I ate every day for an entire week. Let me just tell you that was the most honest I had ever been with anyone as to how bad my eating habits had become. Sitting at her kitchen table the next weekend as she silently read my food journal was super intimidating. In her most perfectly honest manner she told me everything I ate was total junk. Even the things I thought were the healthier option were really not healthy at all, instead unhealthiness wrapped in a healthy packaging. However, Holly did more for me than just tell me what I was eating wasn't healthy, she gave me the tools to changing my entire lifestyle.
"I want you to eat no processed foods, no dairy, no gluten, no sugar and no caffeine for an entire month and see how you feel." Holly's words to me to help me figure out what was causing me to feel so bad.
That first week to be entirely honest, was hell. The first three days I went without caffeine and sugar felt like I had quit drugs cold turkey. I was experiencing chills, weakness, shakes, nausea and had to leave work early because I was so sick. I called Holly and asked her what the heck was going on. She calmly told me I was fine and that I was simply detoxing. I HAD become addicted to sugar and caffeine in ways I didn't know were possible. That first week I had to teach myself to drink water. YUCK! Up to this point I only drank water when it was the last possible option available (Or my mom made me drink it!) I really detested the taste of water and yes, I would argue that water has a taste! It wasn't satisfying to my sugar addicted taste buds.
Also during that first week, I had to learn how to shop. Now as a girl I know how to shop, my aunt and I can shoe shop like professionals. So no, that's obviously not the kind of shopping I'm talking about. I'm talking about tackling the grocery store. It’s a very scary place honestly! It’s not as simple as browsing the isles and deciding on what looks good. You have to carefully read ALL labels to find out what is really in the food, research different stores to figure out if they use preservatives and insecticides on their fresh produce, and find out if "organic" is really organic or not. It is not a feat for the faint of heart or something I could have done on my own. I called and texted Holly so many times that first week I'm sure she was nearly sick of me! Finally with my fridge loaded up with all natural fruits and vegetables and a lot of chicken, I began clean eating.
Now clean eating isn’t easy. There is no just popping through the drive thru and grabbing a meal. It is a lot of planning, cooking, recipe finding and frustration when it doesn’t come out right the first time. There is a huge margin of trial and error that can lead to a lot of choice words and near defeat. My creative experimentations began to emerge as I learned what foods I did like and how I could pair them with other things. It took a lot of prayer and patience as I began to find my way with eating clean.
Now here comes the amazing part. . . After the first week of clean eating, I began to feel so much better. I didn’t hurt all the time, I had more energy and as weird as it is to say, my insides felt clean. Now I didn’t have some massive burst of energy but I found I wasn’t as tired at the end of the day and I was able to maintain a steady pace throughout the day.
During that whole first month my goal was never to lose weight. In fact I didn’t think I would lose any weight. Holly however knew differently. At the end of that first month, she asked me to weigh myself to see how much weight I had lost. I almost laughed out loud thinking there was no way I had lost any weight. Timidly I approached the scale and almost fell off when I read the numbers. I had lost 19 pounds in a month. 19 whole pounds was totally gone just by me changing my eating lifestyle! Not only did I feel amazing but I was able to lose weight in the process. Talk about motivation!!!! I had a new found determination and drive to want the pounds to come off and to continue to feel better than I ever had! So I started running! (Another journey for another post!)
Well, that is just the beginning of this story. 19 pounds lost turned into 50 pounds lost. 50 pounds lost turned into 76 pounds lost and now I am nearing my goal weight. But this journey is so much more than just changing how you eat or running three days a week.
This journey is riddled with so much pain, hardships, frustrations and at the same time so many joys and excitement. I don’t say this as a discouragement but simply to share the honest truth of my journey.
When I was nearly 300 pounds, I didn’t realize how overweight I was. I knew I was big but I didn’t know how big I was. I think your mind sees what it wants to see. Of course as most girls do, I dealt with body image issues but for me a lot of them stemmed from my height not my weight. For example, in high school one guy refused to date me on the basis that I was “too tall for any normal person.” Which of course crushed my 17 year old heart.
I didn’t start having weight body image issues until I had really begun to lose weight. I think I was around 50 pounds lost when I started realizing just how big I was. I began to shame myself for ever letting myself get to be that big. Thoughts would (and still do sometimes) rage in my head like, “How dare you ever let yourself get to that size” and “no wonder he didn’t want to date you! You look as big as a cow!” The want to lose weight also became intertwined with the disgust of what I had let myself become and the drive to never let that happen again. It is hard for me to look back at pictures of myself from two years ago and not judge myself or wonder what other people thought of me then. It’s like somewhere in my mind I equate size with rejection and yet I know that it’s just something my mind has created.
When you start to lose significant amount of weight, people will start to come up to you and say things like, “Wow you look great!” and “I can’t believe how small you look!” Now for any normal human, we bask in the glory of these moments! Our minds think, “YES! Finally all those mornings in the gym and eating right is paying off! People are finally noticing!” We began to lose weight for the sake of those compliments rather than because we want to do it for ourselves. It’s also what fuels comparisons.
One of the most dangerous traps weight loss books don’t tell you about is the comparison game. You are doing just fine until somebody else starts losing weight faster than you or others start noticing their weight loss. Suddenly you look at your own journey and wonder what you are doing wrong or why it isn’t coming off as quickly. Truth is (as cliché as it sounds) all of us lose weight differently and our journeys will look different. I will admit it is hard to drill that truth into your head when you are not only the tallest in the room but one of the biggest. It’s a truth I continually have to reteach myself.
These issues of body shaming and body issues rear their heads strongly when I step outside of the clean eating menu. Temptations are everywhere from Starbucks to the local grocery store. When I give in to temptations and have a brownie or a cinnamon roll, the second the last bite goes in my mouth I instantly feel shame. I feel like I’ve let everyone down and I almost instantly become scared I’m going to gain all the weight back that I’ve lost. Then the justification stage sets in. “Well I didn’t eat a big breakfast and I’m going to run later so this brownie really didn’t count.” ANOTHER DANGEROUS TRAP!
Justification is the precursor to falling off the band wagon entirely. If you are not careful, you will start justifying why you shouldn’t work out, why ordering a pizza is easier than going to the grocery store and before you know it you are right back at 300 pounds.
I know a lot of this seems heavy but this is the dark side of my journey. There are days when I don’t want to get up and go for a run. There are days when I do have a brownie and guess what I ENJOY it! (The key is not letting it become a daily necessity but an occasional treat.)
All of the struggle and pain has brought me so much joy! One of the biggest joys of this journey is the day that my dad and I went on our first run together. As a little girl I used to “run” with my dad around our yard. My dad has always been amazingly athletic and I remember growing up he would run every morning. I would wake up early some mornings and cut across the yard to catch up with him and run as fast as my chubby two year old legs would carry me. I remember thinking to myself “I can’t wait until I am big and I can run with daddy.” Well I got big but I never was able to run with daddy. I was too overweight and too embarrassed. August 2015 at 6 am I finally ran with my dad. My childhood dream of being able to run with my dad came true. (Yes I am sitting here typing this is tears!) As we ended our mile long run tears began to stream down my face. What a rush of accomplishment and joy.
That mile run was a catalyst for the next six months of me living at home. We went from one mile to two and eventually to three and even four miles. At the end of each run my dad would high five me and say, “Good job Ang”. To hear my dad say that is something I cannot explain. It makes me want to run another 10 miles!
Another joy for me has been getting to inspire others. To share with them my knowledge but also to encourage them and lift them up like so many have done for me. I love getting to celebrate with others their joys and being there when they stumble and need a hand. I know I couldn’t do this without my coaches, mentors and motivators. I would be SO lost without them!
So whether you are on your own weight loss journey or not, I hope this gives you a window into what it really is like to lose weight. It’s not always daisies and butterflies and there are days when I want to quit but I still fight. I fight because I want to be the healthiest I can not only for me but for my family and for my future family (Lord willing). Weight loss is a physical representation of an emotional and spiritual fight. A fight no one can face alone but requires support when you get knocked down. Most of all, this is a fight YOU CAN WIN! I promise to keep fighting, will you fight with me?
Saturday, May 28, 2016
What bothers me. . .
This past month I kept logging on, started to writing a post only to delete it, and stare at a blank page. I could never seem to write something I felt was worthwhile or purge some deep emotion within me.
That was until a week ago, when I along with a few of my friends went into a bar to do ministry. I saw first hand an issue I see everyday but hadn't fully processed.
One issue that has continually been reappearing since I have been here in Chiang Mai, is this ever present issue of sex trafficking, prostitution and sex tourism. Men come in the thousands from all over the world to find "love". However, it is not the truest of loves that they seek; it is a lustful, self satisfying (for a moment) kind of "love".
My world here revolves around the result of this brokenness. I hold unwanted babies everyday that are a result of lustful desires that clouded out all judgment and protection. One such baby was the product of a one night stand. The father European, the mother an underage Thai prostitute. A young woman who had to sell her body to help support her family.
The idea that the Thai culture has about taking care of your family is a beautiful and precious thing. However, the system breaks down when there are no jobs and prostitution is the only way or ones family is so poor they willingly sell their daughters into the sex industry to put food on the table. And sadly, western middle aged men take advantage of this brokenness.
I have recently discovered within myself the burning sin of anger towards the men who travel thousands of miles to countries like Thailand and have sex with as many young women as possible. This anger also arose within me towards the men who come here and marry a girl half their age and call it love. While the only reason the girls stay with the guys is for the prestige, security and money. (IN NO WAY am I discounting real relationships that develop between Thai women and western men. I know that there are many happily married couples who are Thai and western.)
As I had dinner with a friend of mine who has been doing ministry in bars, I had the realization that it was sinful the amount of anger I was storing within myself towards these men.
The fact is... THEY ARE BROKEN PEOPLE TOO.
I have been forgetting to stop and ask myself what has caused them to end up here. What caused them to become so desperate for this lust masked as love? What brokenness in their past compelled them to buy a plane ticket all for the feeling of being wanted.
The more I thought about their brokenness, the more my heart broke for them. They need someone to pour into their lives. They too need the power of healing and redemption. They need to be shown true divine love.
I have been asking myself over and over: how do we minster to these men? And while I don't have the answer, I believe that it has to start at home.
We need to be instilling within the men and young boys in our lives the truth of their identity in Christ. That beyond romantic fairy tale love and sexual desires, the ultimate love comes not from a woman. It comes from our majestic creator who claims them both now and forever as his sons.
So, if you are like me and you find yourself so deeply entrenched in anger, don't stew in it. It will get you no where. Instead, let us chose a different path.
Lets chose to be a generation that is fed up with this brokenness and takes a stand.
Let us be a generation who choses not to be angry, but choses to boldly love these men.
Let us focus on their salvation and redemption and run towards them with our arms open wide ready to fight for them.
May we fight with a burning passion against the lies they have been fed, and shine the light of truth into the darkest parts of their soul.
Amen.
That was until a week ago, when I along with a few of my friends went into a bar to do ministry. I saw first hand an issue I see everyday but hadn't fully processed.
One issue that has continually been reappearing since I have been here in Chiang Mai, is this ever present issue of sex trafficking, prostitution and sex tourism. Men come in the thousands from all over the world to find "love". However, it is not the truest of loves that they seek; it is a lustful, self satisfying (for a moment) kind of "love".
My world here revolves around the result of this brokenness. I hold unwanted babies everyday that are a result of lustful desires that clouded out all judgment and protection. One such baby was the product of a one night stand. The father European, the mother an underage Thai prostitute. A young woman who had to sell her body to help support her family.
The idea that the Thai culture has about taking care of your family is a beautiful and precious thing. However, the system breaks down when there are no jobs and prostitution is the only way or ones family is so poor they willingly sell their daughters into the sex industry to put food on the table. And sadly, western middle aged men take advantage of this brokenness.
I have recently discovered within myself the burning sin of anger towards the men who travel thousands of miles to countries like Thailand and have sex with as many young women as possible. This anger also arose within me towards the men who come here and marry a girl half their age and call it love. While the only reason the girls stay with the guys is for the prestige, security and money. (IN NO WAY am I discounting real relationships that develop between Thai women and western men. I know that there are many happily married couples who are Thai and western.)
As I had dinner with a friend of mine who has been doing ministry in bars, I had the realization that it was sinful the amount of anger I was storing within myself towards these men.
The fact is... THEY ARE BROKEN PEOPLE TOO.
I have been forgetting to stop and ask myself what has caused them to end up here. What caused them to become so desperate for this lust masked as love? What brokenness in their past compelled them to buy a plane ticket all for the feeling of being wanted.
The more I thought about their brokenness, the more my heart broke for them. They need someone to pour into their lives. They too need the power of healing and redemption. They need to be shown true divine love.
I have been asking myself over and over: how do we minster to these men? And while I don't have the answer, I believe that it has to start at home.
We need to be instilling within the men and young boys in our lives the truth of their identity in Christ. That beyond romantic fairy tale love and sexual desires, the ultimate love comes not from a woman. It comes from our majestic creator who claims them both now and forever as his sons.
So, if you are like me and you find yourself so deeply entrenched in anger, don't stew in it. It will get you no where. Instead, let us chose a different path.
Lets chose to be a generation that is fed up with this brokenness and takes a stand.
Let us be a generation who choses not to be angry, but choses to boldly love these men.
Let us focus on their salvation and redemption and run towards them with our arms open wide ready to fight for them.
May we fight with a burning passion against the lies they have been fed, and shine the light of truth into the darkest parts of their soul.
Amen.
Monday, April 11, 2016
Songkran
Happy New Year from Thailand! I know you all must think I'm a little late in wishing you all a happy new year but I'm not... well at least not here in Thailand! This week is Songkran which is the traditional Thai New Year's festival! Here in Northern Thailand we are celebrating it by a huge water festival... in other words... a city wide water fight! Well that's later in the week.
Today however I got to be a part of a beautiful tradition at Agape. Every year during Songkran, Agape has a blessing ceremony where the staff and kids bless our director and her husband, our volunteer coordinator, our office manager and our head nanny and her husband. The staff and children get on their knees and pour water over the hands of each person mentioned above as they say a word of blessing before being blessed in return.
I watched and waited as the staff and the children literally poured blessings over the hands of those seated. I waited until everyone else had gone through before I went up and got my cup of jasmine water and got on my knees in front of our head nanny. Water poured over her hands as she reached out and hugged me saying thank you. At that moment I could tell I wasn't going to make it out of this experience with dry eyes! I continued down the line until I got to our director.
Let me just tell you a little bit about Avis. Avis has a heart of gold! She pours herself out daily for our kids and when she speaks to you, she speaks deep truth into your life. As I poured water over her hands, she reached up and held my shoulders and looked me in the eyes and started speaking love and truth into my life. I didn't even have time to bless her before she started blessing me. Her words pierced my heart with a deep profound light. She said, "Be open! God is opening a new book, a new chapter and a new page while you are here. But you have to be willing and open to it! This is your year if you believe it!" She kissed my cheeks and hugged me tight and I can't even begin to describe how in that moment, the truth of her words touched every part of my soul and rejuvenated my spirit.
As I stood up and walked away drying my tears, I couldn't help but to start smiling from ear to ear because I could feel the ink on that new page because God started writing.
Today however I got to be a part of a beautiful tradition at Agape. Every year during Songkran, Agape has a blessing ceremony where the staff and kids bless our director and her husband, our volunteer coordinator, our office manager and our head nanny and her husband. The staff and children get on their knees and pour water over the hands of each person mentioned above as they say a word of blessing before being blessed in return.
I watched and waited as the staff and the children literally poured blessings over the hands of those seated. I waited until everyone else had gone through before I went up and got my cup of jasmine water and got on my knees in front of our head nanny. Water poured over her hands as she reached out and hugged me saying thank you. At that moment I could tell I wasn't going to make it out of this experience with dry eyes! I continued down the line until I got to our director.
Let me just tell you a little bit about Avis. Avis has a heart of gold! She pours herself out daily for our kids and when she speaks to you, she speaks deep truth into your life. As I poured water over her hands, she reached up and held my shoulders and looked me in the eyes and started speaking love and truth into my life. I didn't even have time to bless her before she started blessing me. Her words pierced my heart with a deep profound light. She said, "Be open! God is opening a new book, a new chapter and a new page while you are here. But you have to be willing and open to it! This is your year if you believe it!" She kissed my cheeks and hugged me tight and I can't even begin to describe how in that moment, the truth of her words touched every part of my soul and rejuvenated my spirit.
As I stood up and walked away drying my tears, I couldn't help but to start smiling from ear to ear because I could feel the ink on that new page because God started writing.
(Avis pouring blessings over me!)
(Hugging Mae Oye our office manager)
Friday, April 1, 2016
Love Does
Recently my Facebook page has been filled with posts from friends of mine at Mountain Christian Church. The current sermon series is "Love Does" which is based on the best selling book with the same title. (written by Bob Goff.)
In light of this series and seeing the words "Love Does" everywhere, I began to think about what "Love Does" looks like in my life and ministry here in Thailand.
So here it goes. . .
What does love do?
Love holds the hand of one who is dying of HIV.
What does love do?
Love never turns a child away from a safe and loving home.
What does love do?
Love reaches out into the community and transforms lives.
What does love do?
Love protects and holds a child when they are scared or hurt.
What does love do?
Love actively shows the power of being a child of God.
What does love do?
Love disciplines and teaches without being malicious or angry.
What does love do?
Love celebrates when a child succeeds even in the smallest ways.
What does love do?
Love gives 110% even on hard days.
What does love do?
Love does not judge but listens and pursues understanding.
What does love do?
Love forgives and restores relationships to a rightful place.
What does love do?
Love doesn't waiver and refuses to give up on a child no matter how difficult they may be.
What does love do?
Love at its purest form gives a child a forever home.
In light of this series and seeing the words "Love Does" everywhere, I began to think about what "Love Does" looks like in my life and ministry here in Thailand.
So here it goes. . .
What does love do?
Love holds the hand of one who is dying of HIV.
What does love do?
Love never turns a child away from a safe and loving home.
What does love do?
Love reaches out into the community and transforms lives.
What does love do?
Love protects and holds a child when they are scared or hurt.
What does love do?
Love actively shows the power of being a child of God.
What does love do?
Love disciplines and teaches without being malicious or angry.
What does love do?
Love celebrates when a child succeeds even in the smallest ways.
What does love do?
Love gives 110% even on hard days.
What does love do?
Love does not judge but listens and pursues understanding.
What does love do?
Love forgives and restores relationships to a rightful place.
What does love do?
Love doesn't waiver and refuses to give up on a child no matter how difficult they may be.
What does love do?
Love at its purest form gives a child a forever home.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Week 2: An earthly forever home and a heavenly forever home
Can I just be honest for a moment?
I'm exhausted after this last week.
Every day held a different range of emotions, a unique experience and the always present Thai heat.
Monday started off with a roller coaster of emotions. First thing, one of our girls met her forever family. I have never experienced something as beautiful as a couple walking hand in hand to meet their little girl for the first time. The moment they laid eyes on Siri . . . I can't even begin to describe to you the joy that filled the atmosphere around them. Tears were streaming down my face, down the faces of the new parents and Avis our director was smiling from ear to ear. Siri being the spunky girl she is, simply looked up at her new mom and said "Hi Mama!" My heart was bursting as she was doted on by them for the rest of the day, as they had some good bonding time.
Monday afternoon was filled with some business matters. It was another joyous thing when I held in my hands my work permit for my year here! Even though it is a pretty routine process to get a work permit here, there is still something that unsettling not knowing if they will grant it to you or not. Needless to say, I was relieved to have it tucked away into my bag as we drove out of the office parking lot!
After finishing work permit matters and my first Thai lesson, our director told me hop in her truck. Now let me tell you something about our amazing director Avis, her driving will make a saint cuss. She has certainly developed her own driving style that leaves you on the edge of your seat and a little shaken up. I took a deep breath and hopped in the truck with her to go and get my new bike! We drove to the other side of town to a bike shop where she made me ride what seemed like every bike there before I picked out the one I wanted.
Even though we went there on a business matter, I valued the time I spent in the car with Avis. I got to hear about her vision for Agape and listen as she told me just how much she cares and loves all 108 children at Agape. I was so blessed to have that time with her... even though I was holding on for dear life as we maneuvered the traffic.
Tuesday well to be honest it was hard. We had the going away party for Siri as she left to go to her new home in Italy with her beautiful forever family. What I didn't tell you about Siri is that she was the first kid I bonded with at Agape. My first day there she came right up and sat in my lap like she had known me all her life. I spent the afternoons teaching her and a few of the other kids English. Siri always refused to learn anything until she had the sombrero on. While I was extremely happy for her to be going into an amazing forever family, I was selfishly sad that she was leaving Agape. As I washed and dressed her for her going away party, all I could do was pray over her and kiss her cheeks about a million times. I was so blessed to spend my first two weeks here loving on Siri and I am so thankful to know she is going to be loved on for the rest of her life by two amazing parents!
Wednesday seemed to fly by! I don't remember much except I had another Thai lesson and enjoyed it. My roommate Krista and I along with several guy volunteers went to eat out and as Krista and I were riding our bikes back home, Avis (our director) stopped us on the road. She was somber and told us that one of the ladies she had been taking care of passed away in her arms just a few hours earlier. Ceepah, had been a prostitute for many years and was HIV positive. Ceepah had however expected Christ in recent years and Avis along with other nannies from Agape had been ministering to her and taking care of her. Slowly over the last several years she got better and then in the last few months had taken a turn and got an infection. Avis made Ceepah a promise that she wouldn't die in a hospital. Avis took her in and Ceepah died knowing she was loved. She went to her heaven forever home Wednesday night.
Thursday was somber as we took care of the kids and then prepared for a funeral. It was a beautiful service! We sang some hymns and several people shared about Ceepah, and the impact she had made on their lives. It was a true celebration of life and a time of joy that she was no longer in pain and suffering but that she was finally in the arms of her Father. It is beautiful to me how this woman who was rejected by society, her family, her friends was welcomed with open arms at Agape! She was loved and shown dignity and respect until the day she died. I believe that is how all Christians should act toward others. Love is a fierce and mighty force that can change the course of a life and an eternity.
So yea, this week was pretty exhausting but I wouldn't want it any other way. This is the beauty of working at Agape. You might be exhausted but you are doing kingdom work and seeing first hand how God moves! Exhausting but pretty amazing is how this week has been!
Here we go.. WEEK 3!
I'm exhausted after this last week.
Every day held a different range of emotions, a unique experience and the always present Thai heat.
Monday started off with a roller coaster of emotions. First thing, one of our girls met her forever family. I have never experienced something as beautiful as a couple walking hand in hand to meet their little girl for the first time. The moment they laid eyes on Siri . . . I can't even begin to describe to you the joy that filled the atmosphere around them. Tears were streaming down my face, down the faces of the new parents and Avis our director was smiling from ear to ear. Siri being the spunky girl she is, simply looked up at her new mom and said "Hi Mama!" My heart was bursting as she was doted on by them for the rest of the day, as they had some good bonding time.
Monday afternoon was filled with some business matters. It was another joyous thing when I held in my hands my work permit for my year here! Even though it is a pretty routine process to get a work permit here, there is still something that unsettling not knowing if they will grant it to you or not. Needless to say, I was relieved to have it tucked away into my bag as we drove out of the office parking lot!
After finishing work permit matters and my first Thai lesson, our director told me hop in her truck. Now let me tell you something about our amazing director Avis, her driving will make a saint cuss. She has certainly developed her own driving style that leaves you on the edge of your seat and a little shaken up. I took a deep breath and hopped in the truck with her to go and get my new bike! We drove to the other side of town to a bike shop where she made me ride what seemed like every bike there before I picked out the one I wanted.
My new bike!!!
Even though we went there on a business matter, I valued the time I spent in the car with Avis. I got to hear about her vision for Agape and listen as she told me just how much she cares and loves all 108 children at Agape. I was so blessed to have that time with her... even though I was holding on for dear life as we maneuvered the traffic.
Tuesday well to be honest it was hard. We had the going away party for Siri as she left to go to her new home in Italy with her beautiful forever family. What I didn't tell you about Siri is that she was the first kid I bonded with at Agape. My first day there she came right up and sat in my lap like she had known me all her life. I spent the afternoons teaching her and a few of the other kids English. Siri always refused to learn anything until she had the sombrero on. While I was extremely happy for her to be going into an amazing forever family, I was selfishly sad that she was leaving Agape. As I washed and dressed her for her going away party, all I could do was pray over her and kiss her cheeks about a million times. I was so blessed to spend my first two weeks here loving on Siri and I am so thankful to know she is going to be loved on for the rest of her life by two amazing parents!
 |
| Our last moments together before she left with her new family! |
 |
| The sombrero wearing kid! |
Wednesday seemed to fly by! I don't remember much except I had another Thai lesson and enjoyed it. My roommate Krista and I along with several guy volunteers went to eat out and as Krista and I were riding our bikes back home, Avis (our director) stopped us on the road. She was somber and told us that one of the ladies she had been taking care of passed away in her arms just a few hours earlier. Ceepah, had been a prostitute for many years and was HIV positive. Ceepah had however expected Christ in recent years and Avis along with other nannies from Agape had been ministering to her and taking care of her. Slowly over the last several years she got better and then in the last few months had taken a turn and got an infection. Avis made Ceepah a promise that she wouldn't die in a hospital. Avis took her in and Ceepah died knowing she was loved. She went to her heaven forever home Wednesday night.
Thursday was somber as we took care of the kids and then prepared for a funeral. It was a beautiful service! We sang some hymns and several people shared about Ceepah, and the impact she had made on their lives. It was a true celebration of life and a time of joy that she was no longer in pain and suffering but that she was finally in the arms of her Father. It is beautiful to me how this woman who was rejected by society, her family, her friends was welcomed with open arms at Agape! She was loved and shown dignity and respect until the day she died. I believe that is how all Christians should act toward others. Love is a fierce and mighty force that can change the course of a life and an eternity.
 |
So yea, this week was pretty exhausting but I wouldn't want it any other way. This is the beauty of working at Agape. You might be exhausted but you are doing kingdom work and seeing first hand how God moves! Exhausting but pretty amazing is how this week has been!
Here we go.. WEEK 3!
Friday, February 26, 2016
Dear Mothers Everywhere. . .
Dear Mothers Everywhere,
Today I have a new appreciation and awe for you!
Let me explain why...
Today I was given responsibility of two very lively three year olds on a shopping trip to Big C (the equivalent of a Super Walt-mart).
All started off well as I situated the two boys into the shopping cart. They were awestruck by the bright lights, the sounds, and the bright colors of the store. This phase lasted approximately 3.5 seconds before the "I need to touch everything in sight" phase set in.
As I am searching the kitchen supplies isles for measuring spoons, child #1 manages to get into my purse and is pulling everything out one item at a time. I quickly manage to stuff everything back into my purse and throw it across my shoulder, as child #2 is leaning as far as he can out of the cart trying to grab for the nearest items on the shelf. I manage to stop the ordeal before he falls out of the cart or knocks an entire row of glass plates to the floor. (why is it that they always go for the glass items?)
It seems like ages before I find the measuring spoons, as I am trying to occupy two lively boys, while keeping them in the cart and away from all glass objects. I throw the measuring spoons into the cart and start to take off towards the body wash. That was my first mistake. Never ever put just one item in the cart when there are two children. Fighting immediately broke out over who was going to get to hold the measuring spoons. So, I decided we would take turns holding spoons. Mistake number two. 3 year olds do not share... ever.
So, I ended up holding the measuring spoons, while navigating the cart and trying to keep two children inside the cart away from all shelves. We turn down into the body wash isle and as long as I can keep the cart moving, they don't try to climb out. So I did what I like to call, "drive by shopping". This means, I kept the cart moving, while scanning the shelves for the cheapest body wash, grabbing it and keep trucking along.
At this point, if you have been counting, I have two items. Now, each child can have something to hold on to as we continue our shopping. Problem solved right? WRONG. Mistake number three.
Within a time span of 2 minutes, child #1 is opening the measuring spoon packaging, while child #2 is trying to bite into the body wash bottle. Yikes. I mean really how many more mistakes can I make in one shopping trip? Just when I start to think that things have to go up from here, I made the biggest mistake of the whole day.
I took a short cut down the chip isle. Now by chip isle... I literally mean an entire isle of nothing but Lay's potato chips in every flavor known to man kind. Immediately both boys are suddenly very hungry and will stop at nothing short of an epic tantrum if they don't eat potato chips at that very moment. I gave in. (I'm sure all mothers have done this at some point right?) My thought process is that if I can possibly get through the rest of the shopping without bite marks in my body wash bottle and all glass objects remaining in tact, then by all means GIVE THEM THE CHIPS!
So, the children settle in (all arms and legs inside the cart) with the potato chip bags and we continue on to buy the other items I need. We proceed to the check out with ease. Man, we made it through the entire check out process smoothly! Nothing grabbed off the shelf, no one climbing out of the cart. Just the sound of greasy chips being consumed.
I put the shopping bags into the cart and we head down stairs to wait for the rest of our group to finish shopping. Krista (my roommate and fellow volunteer) and I stop to grab some lunch to go, when both boys simultaneously (I think it was a conspiracy against me!) decide they are in dire need of the bathroom. I quickly grab both boys and am half running (while carrying them) into the bathroom. A comical scene I'm sure! I get them both in side-by-side stalls and breath a sigh of relief that there was no accident as I wait for them to finish. Child #1 of course finishes way before child #2 does and is trying to escape the bathroom. I am chasing after child #1 as child #2 is yelling for me to come help him button his pants (of course he is yelling in Thai... which I don't understand and I am yelling back in English... which he doesn't understand). I manage to grab child #1 as every woman in the bathroom is staring, and I'm sure thinking how crazy this white girl must look. (I'm sure they went home and told their family the circus they witnessed in the bathroom!)
Eventually, we make it back to the cart and I get the boys settled back into the cart so they can finish their snack. Thinking how glad I am that the rest of the trip will be smooth sailing (mistake number 4), child #2 starts yelling "POO-POO!" This is to inform me that an explosion of epic proportions will occur in under a minute if I don't get him on a toilet fast!
As I am whisking child #2 out of the cart to run him to the bathroom (again), child #1 starts throwing a fit because he doesn't want to wait in the cart with Krista. Not wanting to deal with a screaming child, I pick child #1 up as well and again all three of us are running (this time a little quicker) back into the bathroom only to be met with even crazier looks.
Finally, child #2 finishes and we make it back out to the cart just in time to go outside to meet our van.
All that to say...
To all you mothers out there, I salute you!
I applaud you! I am in awe of how you do this day in and day out! I had to drink 2 cups of coffee after that ordeal just to maintain my sanity and try to pump myself with more energy for the rest of the afternoon with the kids!
Thank you mothers for all you do!
Cheers!
Today I have a new appreciation and awe for you!
Let me explain why...
Today I was given responsibility of two very lively three year olds on a shopping trip to Big C (the equivalent of a Super Walt-mart).
All started off well as I situated the two boys into the shopping cart. They were awestruck by the bright lights, the sounds, and the bright colors of the store. This phase lasted approximately 3.5 seconds before the "I need to touch everything in sight" phase set in.
As I am searching the kitchen supplies isles for measuring spoons, child #1 manages to get into my purse and is pulling everything out one item at a time. I quickly manage to stuff everything back into my purse and throw it across my shoulder, as child #2 is leaning as far as he can out of the cart trying to grab for the nearest items on the shelf. I manage to stop the ordeal before he falls out of the cart or knocks an entire row of glass plates to the floor. (why is it that they always go for the glass items?)
It seems like ages before I find the measuring spoons, as I am trying to occupy two lively boys, while keeping them in the cart and away from all glass objects. I throw the measuring spoons into the cart and start to take off towards the body wash. That was my first mistake. Never ever put just one item in the cart when there are two children. Fighting immediately broke out over who was going to get to hold the measuring spoons. So, I decided we would take turns holding spoons. Mistake number two. 3 year olds do not share... ever.
So, I ended up holding the measuring spoons, while navigating the cart and trying to keep two children inside the cart away from all shelves. We turn down into the body wash isle and as long as I can keep the cart moving, they don't try to climb out. So I did what I like to call, "drive by shopping". This means, I kept the cart moving, while scanning the shelves for the cheapest body wash, grabbing it and keep trucking along.
At this point, if you have been counting, I have two items. Now, each child can have something to hold on to as we continue our shopping. Problem solved right? WRONG. Mistake number three.
Within a time span of 2 minutes, child #1 is opening the measuring spoon packaging, while child #2 is trying to bite into the body wash bottle. Yikes. I mean really how many more mistakes can I make in one shopping trip? Just when I start to think that things have to go up from here, I made the biggest mistake of the whole day.
I took a short cut down the chip isle. Now by chip isle... I literally mean an entire isle of nothing but Lay's potato chips in every flavor known to man kind. Immediately both boys are suddenly very hungry and will stop at nothing short of an epic tantrum if they don't eat potato chips at that very moment. I gave in. (I'm sure all mothers have done this at some point right?) My thought process is that if I can possibly get through the rest of the shopping without bite marks in my body wash bottle and all glass objects remaining in tact, then by all means GIVE THEM THE CHIPS!
So, the children settle in (all arms and legs inside the cart) with the potato chip bags and we continue on to buy the other items I need. We proceed to the check out with ease. Man, we made it through the entire check out process smoothly! Nothing grabbed off the shelf, no one climbing out of the cart. Just the sound of greasy chips being consumed.
I put the shopping bags into the cart and we head down stairs to wait for the rest of our group to finish shopping. Krista (my roommate and fellow volunteer) and I stop to grab some lunch to go, when both boys simultaneously (I think it was a conspiracy against me!) decide they are in dire need of the bathroom. I quickly grab both boys and am half running (while carrying them) into the bathroom. A comical scene I'm sure! I get them both in side-by-side stalls and breath a sigh of relief that there was no accident as I wait for them to finish. Child #1 of course finishes way before child #2 does and is trying to escape the bathroom. I am chasing after child #1 as child #2 is yelling for me to come help him button his pants (of course he is yelling in Thai... which I don't understand and I am yelling back in English... which he doesn't understand). I manage to grab child #1 as every woman in the bathroom is staring, and I'm sure thinking how crazy this white girl must look. (I'm sure they went home and told their family the circus they witnessed in the bathroom!)
Eventually, we make it back to the cart and I get the boys settled back into the cart so they can finish their snack. Thinking how glad I am that the rest of the trip will be smooth sailing (mistake number 4), child #2 starts yelling "POO-POO!" This is to inform me that an explosion of epic proportions will occur in under a minute if I don't get him on a toilet fast!
As I am whisking child #2 out of the cart to run him to the bathroom (again), child #1 starts throwing a fit because he doesn't want to wait in the cart with Krista. Not wanting to deal with a screaming child, I pick child #1 up as well and again all three of us are running (this time a little quicker) back into the bathroom only to be met with even crazier looks.
Finally, child #2 finishes and we make it back out to the cart just in time to go outside to meet our van.
All that to say...
To all you mothers out there, I salute you!
I applaud you! I am in awe of how you do this day in and day out! I had to drink 2 cups of coffee after that ordeal just to maintain my sanity and try to pump myself with more energy for the rest of the afternoon with the kids!
Thank you mothers for all you do!
Cheers!
Left: The boys fighting over who got to hold the spoons
Right: The boys eating their chips just looking at the items on the shelves and not touching them! (thankfully!)
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Life of an adventurer: Thailand Day One
To sum up day one... all I can say is... Wow what a day!
My day started at 4:45 when the jet lag finally caught up with me and my body decided that sleeping was no longer an option and it was time to get up and get going! For about 10 seconds I couldn't remember where in the world (literally) I was. The pool of sweat I was laying in quickly reminded me that "I'm not in Kansas anymore Toto!" My room doesn't have an AC unit yet so I am living with windows open and a fan blowing directly on my bed all night.
After staring at the ceiling until around 6:45, I finally decided it was time to get up. One of my roommates was up and getting ready to go to Agape so after finding a banana to eat, I decided to go with her. We found a rickety old bike along the side of our house that could at least get me to Agape. So, I hoped on and we biked the 15 minutes to Agape.
Now when I say biked, I don't mean a leisurely bike ride with the wind blowing in your hair, as you laugh. No, I mean a 15 minute ride trying to stay as close to the edge of the road as you can so you don't get run over by the intense morning traffic. Needless to say, once I get my bearings and figure out where I am going I think it won't seem so daunting!
Once we arrived at Agape, I was immediately overwhelmed by the amount of love welling up in my heart. From the moment I laid eyes on the first baby I saw, my heart almost burst. I fully know this is where I'm meant to be and where the Lord has called me. During morning devotions, one of the little babies fell asleep in my arms as I fed him, and in that moment I felt like I was holding the most precious child of God. I'm sure these moments will happen as I begin to spend more time with the babies and preschoolers. Each and every child captures my entire heart and I think if I love anymore, my heart will burst! I pray that daily they even just see an ounce of my love somehow.
After spending the morning with the babies, my dear college roommate's parents came to pick me up for lunch. Steve and Alberta as missionaries here in Chiang Mai and it happened that we overlapped a day before they head off for furlough. Not only did they take me to a wonderful farm-to-table restaurant, but they were so wonderful to me and took me to the store. I kept telling Alberta over and over again how glad I was that she was with me shopping. She was able to give me tips on what organic food to buy, where to buy different things, and what I should watch out for. I don't think I could have navigated the store without her help! By the time it was all said and done, I had a cart full of fresh foods to continue with my healthy lifestyle.
Thankfully, the afternoon was rather slow as I was starting to feel the effects of the heat and jet lag. We fed the babies, washed them and got them ready for the night time crew to come.
My roommate Krista and I rode our bikes back together and cooked dinner and have been enjoying this somewhat cool evening (By cool I mean 79 degrees with a breeze and a chance of rain.).
So yea, day one was long. It was good, it was exciting and it makes me look forward to the next 364 days.
Cheers from Chiang Mai!
My day started at 4:45 when the jet lag finally caught up with me and my body decided that sleeping was no longer an option and it was time to get up and get going! For about 10 seconds I couldn't remember where in the world (literally) I was. The pool of sweat I was laying in quickly reminded me that "I'm not in Kansas anymore Toto!" My room doesn't have an AC unit yet so I am living with windows open and a fan blowing directly on my bed all night.
After staring at the ceiling until around 6:45, I finally decided it was time to get up. One of my roommates was up and getting ready to go to Agape so after finding a banana to eat, I decided to go with her. We found a rickety old bike along the side of our house that could at least get me to Agape. So, I hoped on and we biked the 15 minutes to Agape.
Now when I say biked, I don't mean a leisurely bike ride with the wind blowing in your hair, as you laugh. No, I mean a 15 minute ride trying to stay as close to the edge of the road as you can so you don't get run over by the intense morning traffic. Needless to say, once I get my bearings and figure out where I am going I think it won't seem so daunting!
Once we arrived at Agape, I was immediately overwhelmed by the amount of love welling up in my heart. From the moment I laid eyes on the first baby I saw, my heart almost burst. I fully know this is where I'm meant to be and where the Lord has called me. During morning devotions, one of the little babies fell asleep in my arms as I fed him, and in that moment I felt like I was holding the most precious child of God. I'm sure these moments will happen as I begin to spend more time with the babies and preschoolers. Each and every child captures my entire heart and I think if I love anymore, my heart will burst! I pray that daily they even just see an ounce of my love somehow.
After spending the morning with the babies, my dear college roommate's parents came to pick me up for lunch. Steve and Alberta as missionaries here in Chiang Mai and it happened that we overlapped a day before they head off for furlough. Not only did they take me to a wonderful farm-to-table restaurant, but they were so wonderful to me and took me to the store. I kept telling Alberta over and over again how glad I was that she was with me shopping. She was able to give me tips on what organic food to buy, where to buy different things, and what I should watch out for. I don't think I could have navigated the store without her help! By the time it was all said and done, I had a cart full of fresh foods to continue with my healthy lifestyle.
Thankfully, the afternoon was rather slow as I was starting to feel the effects of the heat and jet lag. We fed the babies, washed them and got them ready for the night time crew to come.
My roommate Krista and I rode our bikes back together and cooked dinner and have been enjoying this somewhat cool evening (By cool I mean 79 degrees with a breeze and a chance of rain.).
So yea, day one was long. It was good, it was exciting and it makes me look forward to the next 364 days.
Cheers from Chiang Mai!
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Coffee Mugs and To Do Lists
4 days until departure
2 suitcases packed and re-packed
3 loads of laundry
1 goodbye party
1 To Do list
1398471234123 cups of coffee
4 days left wow.... my mind can barely grasp the idea that in mere days, I will be making the biggest leap of faith and life step I have ever made.
This is not a fire drill... THIS IS THE REAL THING! I AM MOVING TO THAILAND!
Pardon the excitement but it is welling up within my spirit as I get closer and closer to finally stepping on that plane.
That is if I can ever decide what I want... scratch that... what I NEED to take. This morning I finally got to the point with my suitcases that I just stood there staring at them hoping somehow magically they would pack themselves with just the right amount of everything I need. (I'm going to need some sort of Jedi force to make that happen!) In the end, I know the Lord will make it evident what I need to take so I should probably stop stressing over it as much as I do.
I don't know about you all, but I am a list maker and a planner. I sometimes feel if I didn't have my lists and planner my life would go to shambles because I wouldn't get anything done and I would forget all the things I needed to remember. That being said, I have a running "MUST DO" list as I get closer to departure. There have been a fair amount of items on that list but I am starting to feel like this list came out of Mary Poppins carpet bag. For everything I cross off my list, two more items appear. I thought that my sea of pink highlighting would be finished by now but of course there is one little corner of my list that has yet to be highlighted. I guess this is all to say, I didn't realize all the little details that goes into moving internationally. Bank accounts have to be closed out, gym memberships cancelled and bills properly aligned. Things most people wouldn't necessarily have to worry about if they were just moving from state to state.
Those these last few weeks have held lots of long lists, many cups of coffee and a few moments of panic, I am ever sure that this is the path that God wants me to travel. He is walking alongside me as I pray and prepare to make this leap of faith!
These next four days are going to hold a lot of craziness but I can't wait to tell you all about it the next time I blog... FROM THAILAND!
2 suitcases packed and re-packed
3 loads of laundry
1 goodbye party
1 To Do list
1398471234123 cups of coffee
4 days left wow.... my mind can barely grasp the idea that in mere days, I will be making the biggest leap of faith and life step I have ever made.
This is not a fire drill... THIS IS THE REAL THING! I AM MOVING TO THAILAND!
Pardon the excitement but it is welling up within my spirit as I get closer and closer to finally stepping on that plane.
That is if I can ever decide what I want... scratch that... what I NEED to take. This morning I finally got to the point with my suitcases that I just stood there staring at them hoping somehow magically they would pack themselves with just the right amount of everything I need. (I'm going to need some sort of Jedi force to make that happen!) In the end, I know the Lord will make it evident what I need to take so I should probably stop stressing over it as much as I do.
I don't know about you all, but I am a list maker and a planner. I sometimes feel if I didn't have my lists and planner my life would go to shambles because I wouldn't get anything done and I would forget all the things I needed to remember. That being said, I have a running "MUST DO" list as I get closer to departure. There have been a fair amount of items on that list but I am starting to feel like this list came out of Mary Poppins carpet bag. For everything I cross off my list, two more items appear. I thought that my sea of pink highlighting would be finished by now but of course there is one little corner of my list that has yet to be highlighted. I guess this is all to say, I didn't realize all the little details that goes into moving internationally. Bank accounts have to be closed out, gym memberships cancelled and bills properly aligned. Things most people wouldn't necessarily have to worry about if they were just moving from state to state.
Those these last few weeks have held lots of long lists, many cups of coffee and a few moments of panic, I am ever sure that this is the path that God wants me to travel. He is walking alongside me as I pray and prepare to make this leap of faith!
These next four days are going to hold a lot of craziness but I can't wait to tell you all about it the next time I blog... FROM THAILAND!
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Eino Nanu?
As I was going through some of my old files on my computer recently I ran across a paper I wrote in 2007 as sophomore in World History class. We were asked to write about what difference we want to make in the world and what we want our legacy to be. It seems perfect to share the week before I leave for Thailand! Enjoy!
Eino
Nanu? (why me?)
Why
me? Why am I different from everyone else? I feel like if my life in anyway can
bring people to Christ I have fulfilled my life’s purpose. This world has strayed so far from God and
those who know Him need to share his love with everyone they can. My life does not need any special attention,
I am not and do not want to be famous or in the spotlight in life. I want to live my life quietly and without
attention from the un-godly ways.
The
thing I love to do most is to do mission work, here in the U.S.
My life as a missionary can affect
the world by continuing the Christian movement in the areas I work in. It can equip the leaders in the churches to
send out local people to be missionaries, to reach those who can not be reached
by white missionaries. Who can in turn
reach others and continue the chain reaction of reaching the lost. If every person in turn reached just one
person there would be a wave of Christianity through out the world. God commanded us to go and leave our homes,
our comforts and go to those who need the gospel like we need food and
drink. I want to impact the lives of
people I am around which in a small way can impact the world.
I want my legacy to be one of a
fellow missionary who labored for Christ and did everything to bring glory to
the Maker. I want people to remembered
me not for the number of people I brought to Christ or my accomplishments but
that I did all I could to reach the lost and help those who needed it
most. I want God to have al the glory
and the honor in my life and I want Him to be totally in control in every move
I make and action I take.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Thoughts a month before departure
I apologize to all of you who are following my blog! I realize that I have not written anything in almost two months! Its not for a lack of wanting to, its for a lack of time! These past few months have been insane! I however am not here to write about every tiresome chore and long night but rather to give you an insight into my mind as I count down the days until I leave the United States.
1. Spiritual warfare is very real!
These past few months have brought a lot of bumps in the road and it has become very clear to me that the devil does not want me going to Thailand. For some reason I have always viewed spiritual warfare as something that mentally and spiritually you deal with and while that is true I have learned just how physical it can be. I have learned this through a breast cancer scare, strep throat, injured hip, bad colds, and sleepless nights. Through this I am learning to rest secure in who goes before me. I know he lights the way and its in him I rest. I am thankful for parents who realized the spiritual warfare going on and continually covers me, our house and our family in prayer!
2. I over pack...way...way...way... too much!
Yes, I already have one of my suitcases packed! (No judgment!) I like to be prepared and ready to go. As I was trying to decide what I should take with me I realized I over pack because I want to make sure I have enough of everything in case I need it. You never know when you might need 7 journals or 3 boxes of tea! I am certainly going to have to go back through my stuff and take some stuff out that I will not need. After all, I am going to the second largest city in Thailand! Haha
3. I am more nervous than I let on.
While most people assume my world traveling resume makes me fearless and ready to take on anything in my path, its not quite true. I do love to travel and according to my mom I should be more worried when it comes to traveling alone. The traveling part excited me to my core.... its the moving part that scares me. I am an independent soul and I have moved a lot in my life but its always been within a reachable distance from my parents. (Granted Thailand is too but it just takes a lot more time and money to get there!) My parents and I are super close, they are my best friends, my secret keepers, my accountants, my car fixer uppers, my shoulders to cry on and my heart aches at the thought of being away from them for a whole year. No nightly phone call goodnight, no prayers before bed time, no kiss as I leave to go to work. (sheww... I'm crying buckets now!) My nervousness comes in at the fact that I am doing this on my own. No close friends or my parents to help me navigate. I guess what I am trying to say is I am nervous of all the unknown. My dad and I sing the Micheal W. Smith song, "I'm diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I wanna be." This is my mantra to help me get through the nervousness and focus on my calling and the light God is shining before me.
4. My heart is already captivated by the children.
I was surfing through Facebook earlier this week and I went to the Agape Home Facebook to look at their pictures. Oh my stars I fell in love instantly with each smiling face. I didn't realize how much love my heart could hold but it certainly is holding love for 108 children. I cannot wait to hug and kiss and love on these beautiful children. I don't think I will ever get tired of hugging children and looking at their smiling faces! I eagerly await the day I get to scoop them up and tell them how much I love them and how much God loves them!
5. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo glad that God did not call me somewhere cold.
To be fair we have had a mild winter so far this year (according to most). My African blood tells me otherwise. When it drops below 70, you will see me with a sweater and probably a scarf. When it drops below 50... the winter coat comes out, plus a sweater and socks and a nice hot cup of tea. I am more ready each day to be in warm (hot) weather and not have to worry about cold, dreary winter and snow (Yuck!). I continually ask myself what winter is even good for and I have yet to come up with anything good! If you can come up with a good reason for winter, let me know! Haha
6. My calling goes as far back as I can remember.
Someone recently asked me when I felt a "calling" to work with orphans or just children in general. To be honest I never had that "AHA!" moment, it was just an ingrained part of me. I look back at pictures of me in Kenya when I was as little as 2 and I was sitting on the ground with the women holding their babies. One of my earliest memories is of me holding a Maasai baby. I remember having a sense that I was making this child safe by holding her close and loving her. I knew in that moment that I wanted to make as many children as I could feel loved and safe. Over the years that same passion has grown and I want to love and protect children as fiercely as I possibly can.
Well my friends... Thank you for reading my random thoughts! I hope you enjoy!
Love,
Ang
1. Spiritual warfare is very real!
These past few months have brought a lot of bumps in the road and it has become very clear to me that the devil does not want me going to Thailand. For some reason I have always viewed spiritual warfare as something that mentally and spiritually you deal with and while that is true I have learned just how physical it can be. I have learned this through a breast cancer scare, strep throat, injured hip, bad colds, and sleepless nights. Through this I am learning to rest secure in who goes before me. I know he lights the way and its in him I rest. I am thankful for parents who realized the spiritual warfare going on and continually covers me, our house and our family in prayer!
2. I over pack...way...way...way... too much!
Yes, I already have one of my suitcases packed! (No judgment!) I like to be prepared and ready to go. As I was trying to decide what I should take with me I realized I over pack because I want to make sure I have enough of everything in case I need it. You never know when you might need 7 journals or 3 boxes of tea! I am certainly going to have to go back through my stuff and take some stuff out that I will not need. After all, I am going to the second largest city in Thailand! Haha
3. I am more nervous than I let on.
While most people assume my world traveling resume makes me fearless and ready to take on anything in my path, its not quite true. I do love to travel and according to my mom I should be more worried when it comes to traveling alone. The traveling part excited me to my core.... its the moving part that scares me. I am an independent soul and I have moved a lot in my life but its always been within a reachable distance from my parents. (Granted Thailand is too but it just takes a lot more time and money to get there!) My parents and I are super close, they are my best friends, my secret keepers, my accountants, my car fixer uppers, my shoulders to cry on and my heart aches at the thought of being away from them for a whole year. No nightly phone call goodnight, no prayers before bed time, no kiss as I leave to go to work. (sheww... I'm crying buckets now!) My nervousness comes in at the fact that I am doing this on my own. No close friends or my parents to help me navigate. I guess what I am trying to say is I am nervous of all the unknown. My dad and I sing the Micheal W. Smith song, "I'm diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I wanna be." This is my mantra to help me get through the nervousness and focus on my calling and the light God is shining before me.
4. My heart is already captivated by the children.
I was surfing through Facebook earlier this week and I went to the Agape Home Facebook to look at their pictures. Oh my stars I fell in love instantly with each smiling face. I didn't realize how much love my heart could hold but it certainly is holding love for 108 children. I cannot wait to hug and kiss and love on these beautiful children. I don't think I will ever get tired of hugging children and looking at their smiling faces! I eagerly await the day I get to scoop them up and tell them how much I love them and how much God loves them!
5. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo glad that God did not call me somewhere cold.
To be fair we have had a mild winter so far this year (according to most). My African blood tells me otherwise. When it drops below 70, you will see me with a sweater and probably a scarf. When it drops below 50... the winter coat comes out, plus a sweater and socks and a nice hot cup of tea. I am more ready each day to be in warm (hot) weather and not have to worry about cold, dreary winter and snow (Yuck!). I continually ask myself what winter is even good for and I have yet to come up with anything good! If you can come up with a good reason for winter, let me know! Haha
6. My calling goes as far back as I can remember.
Someone recently asked me when I felt a "calling" to work with orphans or just children in general. To be honest I never had that "AHA!" moment, it was just an ingrained part of me. I look back at pictures of me in Kenya when I was as little as 2 and I was sitting on the ground with the women holding their babies. One of my earliest memories is of me holding a Maasai baby. I remember having a sense that I was making this child safe by holding her close and loving her. I knew in that moment that I wanted to make as many children as I could feel loved and safe. Over the years that same passion has grown and I want to love and protect children as fiercely as I possibly can.
Well my friends... Thank you for reading my random thoughts! I hope you enjoy!
Love,
Ang
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